


You Were my Kind of Perfect

by BandanaBoyfriends



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: M/M, fuck guys i am so sorry, i dont know what i was thinking, i wasn't drunk or anything so that's not an excuse, idk - Freeform, insert heavy sigh here, luke's suicide letter to ashton..., this is just really sad and i regret this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-26
Updated: 2014-12-26
Packaged: 2018-03-03 15:38:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2856167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BandanaBoyfriends/pseuds/BandanaBoyfriends
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every day when I came home, I was so ready to fall apart and ready to die. But I tried, you have no idea how hard I tried to make it for all of you, to get my shit together and try to be happy but no matter how hard I tried, it was all for nothing.  Believe me when I say, this is not how I wanted things to work out, I wanted more than anything to be happy, I wanted to live to see the day my children graduate high school and go on to marry, I wanted to see the snow one last time, I wanted to drink hot milo with my brothers at three in the morning when we can't sleep.  I wanted so many things, so believe me, I didn't want to die but this world was too cruel to live in.</p><p> </p><p>~Luke's Suicide Letter to Ashton..~</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Were my Kind of Perfect

**Author's Note:**

> grab some tissues, grab a teddy bear, you'll need them.

Dear Ashton,

The moment I saw you, gleams of happiness struck me so hard. I cannot forget the way I smiled back. It seemed that all I could do is stare and stand. The moment you started spilling words by saying "hi". I didn't know what to say, my mind was so blank. That's the first time all I could do was laugh.   
And from the first time I saw you I think I knew we were going to be together. Like, when you meet someone for the first time, but that's it. You don't see them for a while, you don't talk to them and it's almost as if you never met them because they have basically no impact on your life other than the fact that you know their name. I think the first time I met you was so we had something to talk about the second time. I think you meet people at certain times in your life because you both need each other and believe me Ashton I would not have come close to making it this far if you hadn't defended me for wearing those stupid glasses. You're one of the best things to ever happen to me and I hope I was the same for you because everything was better when you were around. I looked at you and I couldn't grasp you. Even back then, I thought you were like the stars, so gentle and beautiful. But when I looked closer, on our first date, I learned that you were exactly like them. And it is important for you to know that I am irrevocably, undeniably, completely head over heels in love with you. Every smile you grace me with makes me fall in love all over again, as if I'm meeting you for the very first time. And I will love you forever.

I spent so long wondering and asking myself, how could someone like you, love someone like me. I'd count my flaws but I realized that I didn't have enough fingers and toes to count all of them. So when I finally met you and you said you loved me, all I could do was ask, why? And I'll admit it. I have my flaws, fuck, I have many flaws. I have imperfections beyond your wildest dreams, I have a temper, I like things to go my way, I get addicted easily, I love too much, I give up too fast, I give up too often and I fight too hard. But even as you discovered all these flaws, you still stayed, and that bothered me. You could have had anyone in the world and yet you chose someone so broken. Why would you do that?  
And you know what hurts the most? The seconds in the morning when I'd just wake up, and for those mere precious seconds, I forgot all the reasons why I'm unhappy, why I'm so broken. And then it would hit me again, like a stab in the heart, and I remember all the reasons why I didn't want to wake up in the first place, and that hurts. I don't think you'd ever understand how stressful it is to explain what's going on in my mind, because even I have no idea. And even if I had told you why I'm like this, you'd say, don't be sad, it's going to be okay, but you don't know how hard I've been trying, for you.   
Every day felt like watching the people around me breathing but instead, I'm drowning in words of self hatred and everyone mistook my chest frantically rising up and down as breathing, but I don't blame you because I should have reached out for help, I should have told someone how I was feeling, but I couldn't. I couldn't hurt you like that.   
My problem was I got trapped in these cycles of sadness where I went days, sometimes a week or two without talking to anyone and all I wanted to do was lock myself away. I hate that that happened, but I couldn't make it stop and all it did was hurt everyone around me and I just wanted it to be okay but I didn't know what okay was anymore. Some days I would wake up knowing that it wasn't going to be a good day. I would wake up feeling like my head was going to split in two and it always felt so hard for me to get oxygen into my lungs. My chest would feel so empty and my vision would get blurry, but no matter what I did, it wouldn't go away. I would curl into a ball and try to barricade my thoughts but it was like every emotion was a wave and they'd crash into me and drag me to the bottom until all I could feel was cold and alone. I lay there for hours hoping it'd stop but it never did. The feeling just intensified and the tears didn't stop until I fell back asleep again. I kept hoping that someone would notice that I was having trouble breathing, but no one did. I couldn't hurt them by telling them, so I would force a smile and they'd think I'm okay. It's been years and nobody seems to notice just how bad it is. Because I've got "nothing to be depressed about" and they say "you're too young to be this sad" as if there's a certain age for that.   
Every day when I came home, I was so ready to fall apart and ready to die. But I tried, you have no idea how hard I tried to make it for all of you, to get my shit together and try to be happy but no matter how hard I tried, it was all for nothing. Believe me when I say, this is not how I wanted things to work out, I wanted more than anything to be happy, I wanted to live to see the day my children graduate high school and go on to marry, I wanted to see the snow one last time, I wanted to drink hot milo with my brothers at three in the morning when we can't sleep. I wanted so many things, so believe me, I didn't want to die but this world was too cruel to live in.  
You meant the world to me and I don't want you to be sad. You can cry and you can morn, but sooner or later you'll have to go back to your life and focus on making a future for yourself. Just because I didn't get one, doesn't mean you shouldn't. I did not want it to come to this, I did not want suicide to be my answer, but there was no other way for me.   
I was depressed, and I cannot tell you why because even I have no idea. I had everything, so many things to make me happy, but somehow my mind was a dark place filled with so much anger and sadness that I couldn't find a way out of it.  
But there was one constant feeling for me.  
And that was love for you Ashton.  
I love you so much and I refuse to use past tense because my love for you will be eternal, and nothing will change that, not even my death.  
God I love you Ashton, I really do. You kept me alive and for that I cannot thank you enough. Be strong, we'll see each other again someday.   
You are the love of my life.

Yours forever,  
Luke Hemmings.

**Author's Note:**

> No one hates me more than I do for this. Believe me.


End file.
